just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
