She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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