Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
