i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
