Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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