and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
