Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
