drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
