I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
