This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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