Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
