If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
