I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
