I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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