Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
