Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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