Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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