I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
