He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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