my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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