Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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