This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
