It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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