New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize