Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
