I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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