yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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