The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
