I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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