You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
