Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
