He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
