our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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