just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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