why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
