Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
