the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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