omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
