I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
