The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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