I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
