this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
