One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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