you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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