Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
