I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
