Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
