Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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