I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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