I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
