Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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