Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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