I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
