Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
