hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
