dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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