Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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