If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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