Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize