everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
