gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
