I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
